How to make your parents love you for who you are

Your parents may have certain expectations or beliefs about what you should be and who you are. Sometimes they may not show that they love and care for you unconditionally. While you can't force your parents to behave a certain way, there are things that you can do to build a stronger relationship, communicate your feelings, and find others for support. Learn to connect with your parents about who you are in a calm and loving way.

Method One of Three:
Building a Stronger Relationship

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   Show you care. If you are wanting your parents to love you unconditionally, then try to show them the same love and support. While some families are more affectionate than others, it is important to express your love and caring in ways that work for you and your parents.^[1]
   

   • Give hugs. Give Kisses. Do what feels comfortable for you.
   • Say, "I love you." Use other words of appreciation such as, "Thank you so much," or, "You're awesome."
   • Help them with things that need to be done, such as chores or running errands. Try to do what you can to make them feel appreciated through your actions.
   • Understand that some days your parents will reciprocate and other days they may not. Avoid feeling let down if they don't reciprocate sometimes. Avoid seeing yourself to blame.
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   Be loving and kind. Treat others as you would like to be treated. While your parents may not always follow this, avoid becoming upset, mean, or resentful of them. Focus on being kind to yourself, and in turn being kind to them and others.^[2]
   

   • The more kindness and love you show, the more likely they are to be appreciated and loved you.
   • Accept that they cannot always show the love that you expect. Be open to different ways of receiving love and respect. For example, your dad may not seem to be loving, yet he attends your school events and makes dinner almost every night for you and your family.
   • Think about how "kindness" and "love" are shown in different ways for different people. Ways to show caring include acts of service (fixing the car, doing the dishes); through touch (hugging, kissing, putting your arm around them); words of affirmation (giving compliments, telling them you appreciate them); spending quality time together; giving thoughtful gifts.
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   Spend time with your parents. While you may spend a lot of time in the same place, how much of this is quality, one-on-one time together with your parents? Think about how your parents are more likely to show they love and care about you if you find ways to connect rather than argue. Consider these activities as a way to spend more time:^[3]
   

   • Board games, charades, or other social activities
   • Interactive games on the computer or video games that you both can enjoy
   • Playing outside in the backyard, at a park, or in nature
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Method Two of Three:
Communicating Your Feelings

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   Have a quiet conversation with your parents. Open up to your parents about who you are. Find a time that is less stressful for them and you. Consider finding a way to make it a private conversation away from your other family members.
   

   • Having a one-on-one conversation that is deeper and more meaningful may help you to trust them and to feel loved by them.
   • Consider timing. Identify times in the evenings or on the weekends when you and your parents may have more time to really talk about what's on your mind.
   • Avoid giving up on them if a calm and loving conversation doesn't go as smoothly as you had hoped the first time.
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   Share your feelings. Be assertive about who you are. Be confident about what matters most to you in life. Express what you love. Express what bothers you. Avoid dismissing your feelings or repressing them because your parents may have a different view.^[4]
   

   • When you're feeling down or struggling with something, be willing to ask for help. Ask them to provide reassurance.
   • You may need to state it outright, rather than assuming they'll "know" what to do. For example, let's say you're having a difficult time with your friend, you could state to your parents that you're going through a difficult time, and then say, "I could use some reassurance and support right now." While it may feel awkward at first, it will make clear what your needs are.
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   Avoid being angry, upset, or confrontational. When you feel yourself getting upset with your parents, avoid trying to confront them in anger. You cannot force someone to love you for who you are through your anger. If you are having difficulty talking to your parents without getting upset, then consider doing the following:^[5]
   

   • Find a place that makes you feel calm. Try to remove your negative thinking about yourself and others in this space.
   • Take a deep breath. Use breathing exercises. Consider meditation or praying.
   • Focus your mind on letting go of hate, anger, and resentment. Focus instead on loving you. Write out your feelings in a journal. Consider using art such as drawing or painting as a way to release your frustrations.
   • Communicate with your parents when you are better able to share your feelings in a calm way.
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   Set boundaries with your parents. If your parents will not love and accept you for whatever reason, you can at least set boundaries about what is acceptable to say to you and how you expect them to treat you. Let them know what you will not accept in your relationship with them and what will happen if they violate your boundaries.
   

   • Use "I" language when communicating your boundaries. Using "you" language can cause people to become defensive and sounds blaming. Do not say, "You always tear down my accomplishments and my work. You're so unsupportive and such a bully!"
   • Instead, you might say, "Mom, I know you don't agree with my chosen profession, but I feel hurt when you say it isn't a respectable career. From now on please keep your comments about my job to yourself. If you continue, I'm going to stop coming to Sunday dinners."
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   Remind your parents that not everyone is the same as them. While your parents may have certain expectations of who you should be, and what you should become, help them to remember each person has their own interests, preferences, and identity. This may be very difficult for some parents to accept, but it is important to express how you are your own person.
   

   • Tell them that you will treat their interests, preferences, and beliefs with respect, and that you hope they will do the same. Stay true to your word, and show them that you can respect their differences.
   • Recognize that your parents may have certain backgrounds or values that reflect how they act and what they say.
   • Think about what matters to you. If you are seeking their love and respect, then tell them, "Despite our differences, I hope that you can love and respect me."
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Method Three of Three:
Finding Support Outside Your Parents

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   Accept that you cannot control your parents' behavior. You cannot force them to love and accept you. While you may have an ideal of what you want your parent-child relationship to be, your parents' behaviors are not likely to change overnight. Learn to let go of what you cannot control.^[6]
   

   • Focus on accepting and loving yourself. Focus on what you can do to better. While this may not change your parents, it will help you to find strength in yourself.
   • Believe in yourself.
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   Seek support from other adults or older family members. If you feel like your parents are not able to understand who you are, reach out to other family members such as aunts, uncles, or grandparents. Consider finding other adults in your neighborhood or through your school. Find ways to talk with them openly and honestly about yourself and what you're feeling. ^[7]
   

   • Through the support of other adults and family, you may find healthier ways to deal with your parents. Consider asking them for advice about how to handle feeling unappreciated. Consider having them talk with your parents directly.
   • If your parents appear to be unresponsive to your needs, ask to spend more time with family or other adults that appreciate, love, and respect you.
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   Consider talking with a counselor. Sometimes you may feel like opening up to your family or others around you is too difficult, and talking to a counselor may help you to overcome your anger, anxiety, sadness, or fear related to your parents. Counselors can help to identify what needs are not being met, and help you find ways to heal.
   

   • Consider talking with a school counselor or asking your school about counseling resources in your area.
   • Discuss with a counselor about family counseling options so that you can get your parents involved in this process. Family therapy could include one or more of your parents in a counseling session. These types of session focus on how to communicate more effectively.
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   Don't force yourself to change if it feels wrong. You can only do what feels right to you. If your parents are pressuring you to do something that you disagree with, consider if they are looking out for you, or simply have their own interests at heart.

   • For example, let's say your parents think that if you're a girl, then you need to wear dresses and look pretty when out in public or with your parents' friends. You may prefer to wear jeans and a t-shirt. Explain to them that you dress in a way that feels right and comfortable for you, and that you wish them to respect that.
   • Be true to who you are. And know that you're not alone.

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