How to cope with controlling parents

It is common for children to feel like their parents are too reserved in letting them live their own lives. Sometimes this is because the child is just pushing boundaries and maturing a little faster than the parent realizes, and other times it is because the parent is attempting to control the child’s life. There are many reasons for the need to control your child, from being a perfectionist to being afraid that they will repeat your mistakes, and parents often do not even realize that they are harming their child instead of protecting them.

Method One of Four:
Empowering Yourself

1
Identify controlling behaviors. Some parents are demanding of their children, but this does not always mean that they are controlling. People who are controlling use certain tactics to control others. The tactics can be obvious or subtle. The behaviors can vary from outright criticisms to making veiled threats. Some signs your parent may be controlling include:^[1]
- Isolating you from other family members and/or friends, such as by never allowing you to spend time with friends or other family members.
- Criticizing you constantly about trivial things, such as your appearance, your manners, or your choices.
- Threatening to hurt you or threatening to hurt him or herself, such as by saying, “I will kill myself if you don’t come home right now!”
- Giving conditional love and acceptance, such as saying, “I only love you when you keep your room clean.”
- Keeping score of your past mistakes, such as by listing off mistakes you made in the past as a way to make you feel bad or to get you to do something.
- Using guilt to get you to do things, such as by saying, “I spent 18 hours in labor to bring you into this world and you can’t even spend a few hours with me?”
- Spying on you or otherwise not respecting your privacy, such as by searching your room or reading the text messages on your phone when you leave the room.
2
Accept responsibility for your actions. Though your parent(s) may be controlling, you are responsible for how you respond to them. You decide whether to let them dictate your decisions, or stand up to them. You are also in control of whether you react respectfully or allow yourself to get overly angry and escalate the situation.^[2]
- Some ways that you can begin to think about your actions are to look in the mirror and talk to yourself. Play out different scenarios that are likely to happen with your parents and practice responding the way you have decided that you will respond. This makes it easier to be in control when the time comes.
3

Do not obsess about pleasing your parent(s). It is a parent’s job to make sure that you grow up into a happy, healthy, decent human being. It is your job to be a happy, healthy, and decent human being. If what makes you happy isn’t what your parent(s) envision for you, you have to please yourself, not them. It is your life to live. ^[3]
4

Make an objective action plan. It isn’t likely that you’ll be able to totally break away from a controlling situation in one swift move. You will need an action plan that is subtle and realistic to start making your own decisions. The plan could start with something as simple as telling yourself everyday that you are in control to start building your confidence. Ideally, it will move you slowly forward into making more and more decisions for yourself.^[4]
5
Accept that you cannot change your parent(s). Just as your parent(s) are not able to control how you think or feel, you cannot change the way that they think or feel. You can change how you respond to them, and sometimes this will change how they treat you. It is up to your parent(s) when and if they will change their personality.^[5]
- To force your parents to change would be similar to the control that they are trying to assert over you. If you remind yourself of this, you will be forced to accept that they can make their own decisions about changing.
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